How can I help a hurting friend?

Knowing what to say—and when to shut up

We know better, but we usually live as if we were invulnerable. When illnesses, relationship failures, accidents, bad leadership, and natural disasters break through that illusion, we feel them not just as unwelcome but as unfair—and often unsettling.

Times of emotional crisis thus often mark starts or stops in people’s interaction with Scripture. Until God wipes away all tears, such times will continue to be key moments that we leaders, and the people we lead, need to deal wisely with. Much wisdom is needed, both for those experiencing pain and those who want to support them.

Collectively

Most pastors get training on practical approaches for hospital and hospice care. On the other side, lay leaders (and lay followers) are often tempted (or even instructed) to leave crisis care to “professionals.” But trying to match pastors and counselors with crises is a foolproof recipe for burnout, and it’s not biblical either. We are all asked to carry each other’s burdens (Galatians 6:2) and to care for our Lord wherever we encounter him (Matthew 25:40).

So, faced with an acquaintance’s unexpected cancer, or the grief of a neighbor who lost a teen in an auto accident, will our people end up tongue-tied? Will they babble something “helpful”? Or will they be able to draw on their own encounters with the Bible and the living God as they “comfort those in any trouble” (2 Corinthians 1:4 NIV)?

Being human is our common profession. But perhaps offering some “continuing professional education” may help. We often call the Bible our guide for life, and that’s appropriate. It’s our guide to being fully human. Not only does it offer significant encouragement in the task before us, it also models responses and approaches that are helpful. What’s more, the Bible is uniquely honest about the reality of suffering and the ways humans react to it.

Honestly

We are called to give thanks in all circumstances (1 Thessalonians 5:18), but not to pretend all circumstances are good or that we do not experience pain. Human crisis is no time for pretense—nor for posturing or panaceas. Some situations can wound us to the heart, with consequences that affect our attitudes and behaviors, and even our energy levels and immune systems (Psalm 109:22; Proverbs 14:10, 17:22, 18:14). We must honestly address the problems and our natural responses in order to help our friends through them.

One of our natural responses is withdrawal. It’s common for people with wounded hearts to feel isolated, or to seek isolation. Have you read the first human crisis in Genesis 3 in this context? Adam and Eve hide, so God asks them a question: “Where are you?” He invites them into a conversation and draws them out.

Sometimes silently

God’s question-based approach is worth emulating because people in crisis are often unable to take in good advice. And, unfortunately, it’s hard for us to resist sermonizing. Look at Job’s friends. They are doing fine, sitting with him for days, in silence (Job 2:11-13). But they fall apart at Job’s first complaint (a bitingly honest, human response to suffering). “I can’t keep quiet any longer,” says the first friend (Job 4.2b GNT). Do they fear Job’s accusations are contagious? Will lightning strike? After more than thirty chapters of sermons defending God’s character—fully orthodox, all of it—Job is both unpersuaded and uncomforted, and God has to tell them they missed the point (Job 42:7-8).

That seems clear enough. Let’s try to keep with the friends’ first plan—silence. When people are suffering, it’s the “right time to shut up” (Ecclesiastes 3:7b MSG). Visit them. Sit with them. Offer practical support when possible, but hold back on the advice. Instead, ask some open-ended questions and then listen without interrupting (Job 21:2). Do not argue with them or make light of their experience or their feelings. This approach will help them get their pain out and help with feelings of isolation.

Prayerfully and scripturally

Just as pretense is counterproductive, so is pressure. Crises and decisions mix poorly; this is no time to “share” the stark challenges of Deuteronomy 30:19 or Joshua 24:15.

But when the sufferers are ready, offer to pray with them. Then offer to read some Bible passages with them. We all have favorites that will remind our friends of God’s love for them. Other passages can help them recognize that they are not alone in their suffering. We can focus on passages that remind us that God understands our pain, listens to our cries, heals our hearts. We know from other passages that God works positively in negative situations. And we can read passages about God’s power, God’s justice and mercy, and God’s good plans for us.

Another approach could be to encourage people who are suffering to pace themselves on a read-through of the Psalms. Many people find that when we are without words, the biblical writers express the true feelings we have (or want). And avoid the temptation to steer them away from the tough Psalms. It can be extremely therapeutic to see how biblical writers processed difficult emotions.

In the early stages of crisis, it may be enough to glimpse hope from afar. We don’t need to force the feelings or stand in God’s place. Let us instead sit with the sufferer.

  • See this article in our Bible Resource Center for some scriptural themes and passages that can be helpful when supporting friends in pain.

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Peter Edman
Peter Edman

Peter Edman is director of content and quality assurance for American Bible Society and executive editor of the Faith and Liberty Bible. He holds a master’s degree in religion and literature from Yale Divinity School. He and his family live in Philadelphia.

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